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I'm kind of happy right now....
Because although I have a ton of writing to do for my art history essay that's due tomorrow, I just got word back from my English professor that I did pretty well on the last essay I gave to him. And not just pretty well. He came up to me and said, more or less, that my essays are "fantastic and why on earth don't you talk more in class??"
That was a bit of a relief for me to hear. Considering that I got an A- on the essay previous to the most recent one and I didn't know how well it would compare. The assignment for this most recent essay was to compare a horror piece we had read in class to either a horror movie we had watched in class or something similar that had happened in our own lives. I opted for the second one. Except that I didn't actually use something from my own life. In fact, I made it up completely. You know how people say that the essays they write are complete bullshit? Well, my essay really IS complete bullshit. And my teacher ate it all up. Here it is:
* * * * * * * * * *
HOW THE YELLOW WALLPAPER SAVED MY LIFE
An inspirational and tearjerking essay by the nationally celebrated author, Maxwell Tielman
"Fuck you!" my seven-year old self growled as I heard the lock to the basement door turn. Click. Usually, I was just locked in my room for a couple of days without food or water, but this time, this time, I'd done something really bad.
"Is this how you'd like the be treated?!" my mother yelled through the wooden door. I heard a scratchy yelping noise and I presumed my mother was waving my hairless and bleeding cat in the air. How was I supposed to know that shaving a cat and tossing it at a glass window was a bad thing? It seemed like a perfectly obvious thing to do at the time. I could practically hear my dear Mittens asking for it. "Please, Max! This hair itches so much! Please take it off!" Of course, now I know better.
My parents were both pretty hard-core Scientologists, so they refused to take me to any sort of shrink or psychiatrist. Lucky for me, this left them with the only other option they had, besides an exorcist: solitary confinement. Like I said, my punishment for my day-to-day "problem child" routine was the standard locked-in-my-room deal. But this sort of punishment was usually reserved for simple things, like urinating on the houseplants or etching satanic symbols into my grandmother's wooden floors. Never before had I actually harmed a living creature, something that both of my vegan parents would simply not tolerate.
The punishment for this most vile act, as you can probably assume, was solitary confinement for a week in my family's gloomy, cobwebby basement. Every other day, my mother squirted porridge under the door with a turkey baster and that would be my sustenance for my time in that little cavern of doom. It wasn't that bad at all for me, really. At first it kind of was. At first, I spent hours ripping my hair out and throwing my nearly weightless body against the stone walls of the basement, infuriated at my parents' lack of understanding. But over time, after my body became too exhausted to throw itself around anymore, I relaxed. Left with absolutely nothing besides my own thoughts to keep me entertained, I spent hours contemplating what I'd done.
I realized after about two days in my confinement, that there were tiny holes all over the basement walls through which my skinny body could fit quite easily. On the other sides of these tunnels, I discovered that there were dozens of little worlds, all seemingly designed with me in mind. One of them led to a land made entirely out of blue candy, another to a life-sized reproduction of Barbie's Malibu beach house.
After both of my parents drowned in a tragic ice skating accident, I was put in the custody of a foster home and only then was I ever permitted to get psychological help. After years of psychoanalysis and medication therapy, I've come to realize that there were never in fact any alternate universes hidden in the walls of my basement. In the delirium brought on by constant isolation and partial starvation, my mind had developed these hallucinations as a coping mechanism. At least that's what my therapist said.
Finally, after several long years of living in a mental institution, I managed to suppress all of my painful childhood memories and get on with living a real life. It was not until this spring, when I read the short story The Yellow Wallpaper, for my English class, that all of these horrible memories began streaming back.
The story is about a woman, a writer, who is diagnosed with mild nervous depression by her medically inept husband. In the time at which the story took place, it was a common treatment for mental disorders to hold the patient in solitary confinement. It was believed that the less pressures that were put on mind and the body, the more easy it would be to recover. For this reason, the woman's husband insisted that she stay put in a small nursery room high up in their house for as long as it took for her to get better. I took great pity on the story's protagonist, because, like me, she had suffered through the horrible things that isolation and solitary confinement do to the human brain.
I sympathize with this woman not only because of her horrible isolated situation, but also because she was forced to live in a room with poor interior decoration. As an art student, and somebody who lived in the stark whiteness of a fluorescently- lit mental hospital for several years, I know the importance of a visually pleasing environment. My heart clenched in extreme anguish when I read of the protagonist's exposure to hideous wallpaper. She writes,
It is dull enough to confuse the eye in following, pronounced enough to constantly irritate and provoke study, and when you follow the lame uncertain curves for a little distance they suddenly commit suicide--plunge off at outrageous angles, destroy themselves in unheard of contradictions.
The color is repellent, almost revolting; a smouldering unclean yellow, strangely faded by the slow-turning sunlight.
This idea that the environment has a huge effect on a person's mental health and stability reminds me of a lecture I attended a few years back about the importance of good urban planning. The lecture was given by Jan Gale, a Danish urban design researcher and professor of Urban Planning at the University of Copenhagen. The author of "Life Between Buildings: Using Public Space," Gale discussed how design could affect public spaces by making them either psychologically attractive or, in reverse, oppressive and suffocating. For example, he noted how the widening of a high-traffic street in a commercial area wouldn't bring more people to businesses and allow for quicker transportation. It would in fact do exactly the opposite. By widening a street, it would create more traffic and even denser driving conditions, while limiting sidewalk space and comfortability for pedestrians and shoppers. The change might not be visibly obvious at all, because it really isn't so much physical as it is mental. As the space becomes more car-accessible, it becomes less human-accessible. The environment becomes uncomfortable on a subconscious level and as a result, drives customers and people away.
It is important to understand how things that seem relatively simple (interior or spacial design, for example) have a HUGE effect on the subconscious psychological wellness of a person. This understanding is something that the writers and filmmakers of the horror genre have a very firm grasp on. By changing the environmental feeling of a story's setting, the storyteller can create an environment which is not only scary for the character, but for the audience outside of the fourth wall as well. In film, the task allows even more creativity. Along with designing a sinister-looking set, uncomfortable camera angles and editing can also be used to give the viewer a feeling of dread and uneasiness. The subversive filming style of Alfred Hitchcock comes to mind.` In his various films (including Veritgo, Psycho, and The Birds), Hitchcock used creative (and at the time, completely new) camera angles and editing techniques to make his viewers become uncomfortable.
Charlotte Perkins Gilman, the author of The Yellow Wallpaper, in a sense, does the same thing with writing instead of imagery. The tone and flow of the main character's journaling becomes more and more muddy and jumbled as she herself starts to lose control of her mental clarity. The stylization of writing to create an actual empathetic emotion in a reader is not an uncommon one in literature. The piece that jumps to mind most prominently is Edith Wharton's classic story, Ethan Frome. Her text's incredibly prosaic prose bores the readers to tears, but, for once, in an entirely good way. The cramped, anxious, and oppressed writing of the story actually causes the reader to feel just as physically stifled as its hero, the poor Ethan Frome. I read the story in a collection of works by Edith Wharton I found on a table in the psychiatric hospital I stayed at. Although I can not quite figure out why anything of that sort would ever be allowed on the premises of the Chipper Chipmunk Rehabilitation Center For The Mentally Disturbed, I found the main character's dilemma all the more relatable just because of the author's clearly intentional dull writing.
I really must thank miss Gilman for her superbly researched and executed Yellow Wallpaper. Its ability to see into the psyche of a person living in an oppressive environment touched me on a spiritual level, more deeply than any other therapist ever has. I think I can honestly say it is the most important piece of writing I have ever read or ever will read in my entire life. I think I'm finally on the road to actual recovery, and I have The Yellow Wallpaper to thank for that. Perhaps my past doctors should have taken a page out of Freud's book and tried to unearth my childhood memories rather than suppress them. Imagine how much money I would have saved from avoiding electroshock therapy and partial lobotomies!
April 10, 2007 at 06:40 PM
Damn, Thats some good bullshit.
hahahah Max, you crack me up.
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