« Previous | Main | Next »

I should never be allowed to have kids

In the past, I have said that I never, ever, ever wanted to have kids. I've never really imagined myself as a good parent. I used to tell people if I had kids, I'd probably end up throwing them out of the window. But lately, I've been seeing all these babies, people having babies, and people about to have babies, and I'm like, "aawwwwwww, they're so cute!" Maybe if I could just have a cute little baby that never grew up, it would be okay, but that thought in itself is wrong. So, what with all of this baby stuff happening -my goodness, April and May must be like, the baby making months!- I've been thinking about what it would be like if I had a kid. I've thought of a few more reasons of why I'd make an absolutely terrible parent.

1) I hate to lie. Isn't one of the biggest things about raising a young child lying? I'd feel so guilty telling my child that every Christmas, a big, fat man in red comes into our house to deliver presents. I'd also feel really bad about telling them that there's a big furry rabbit who delivers easter eggs, or that a fairy takes your teeth when they fall out.... I have thought about telling them the truth and then just telling them not to tell anybody, but there are two downsides to that. For one thing, kids are not very good at keeping secrets. I can just imagine me telling them and then them running off to ask the next kid they see, "Can you keep a secret?" All the other parents would hate me. And then I'm also worried that if I do tell my kid(s) the truth, they might grow up to be completely narrow-minded, unimaginative little brats.

Apart from the whole lying about holiday people thing, I'd also be afraid to lie about anything else. I was babysitting a little girl last night and she called me into her bedroom to tell me she was afraid of aliens. Now, any normal person would immediately tell them that there were no such things as aliens and to shut up and go back to bed, but what if there are aliens? I don't want to lie about that! Space is huge!

2) I am am extremely nervous, and I fear that having children would just make it worse. While walking through the park thingie today for gym class, I saw two condoms on the ground, and that brought back memories. I'm not absolutely certain that this happened, but I do have a vague memory of my friends and I finding a condom when we were like nine or ten and one of my friends picking it up and throwing at my other friend. Kids are so incredibly undereducated! Being as nervous as I am, I think I'd start giving my child lessons in sex education at two years old. I don't want them finding condoms on the street and picking them up!

So, by giving my kid(s) sex education early, this also brings back one of the problems mentioned in the first reason why I'd be a terrible parent. Kids can't shut up. I remember in day care, there was this little girl who for some reason knew, well, more than the other kids did about some things. She would have us say certain swear words or words relating to sex and then we'd get in trouble for saying those things. That's probably how my kids would be. If I told them how babies were made and why they should wait until they're A LOT older until they make babies, they'd probably run off and impress all the kids in the playground with how sex-savvy they are.

So those are some reasons why I'd be a terrible parent. I'd probably be overly truthful and overly protective. And then my children would probably grow up having all sorts of social and mental disorders. It would not be good.

March 29, 2004 at 03:41 PM

Commenting is not allowed anymore on this entry.